Bees

It’s spring. I can tell because the bees are out.

The other day, I was sitting out back and all of a sudden…

::bzzzzzzzzz:: “Hi! I’m a bee!”

“That’s nice, could you move along a bit? You’re kinda all up in my personal space.”

“Oh! Sure, sure. Oh, hey, I like flowers! Flowers are awesome!”

“So I’ve heard. Um…about that personal space?”

“Right, right! Hey, did I mention I like flowers? Seen any around here, big fella?”

“I…think I saw some in…the next county over?”

“Oh, you! Say, you got any pollen on you?”

“What? No, I’m not a flower, I don’t have any pollen!”

“Oh, I love this game! You sure, big fella? How about in that pocket? Or that one? No, wait, it’s in your ear!”

“No! What are you…no, get away from me, I don’t have any pollen on me!”

“I know! IT’S IN YOUR PANTS!”

::skips around backyard like a little girl with arms flailing around comically:: “No, not in my pants! I DON’T HAVE ANY POLLEN!”

Dammit. My problem with bees is…they’re like the psychotic Zooey Deschanel character of the insect world. One minute, they’re all cute and fuzzy and “docile” and they’re always enthusiastically saying “Hi! I’m a bee! I like flowers! Pollen is totally the bomb!” and fly around in silly and cheerful trajectories like lovable goofs. Yet, at any minute, they could suddenly flip out and go full-on “I’M GONNA KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER AND ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GONNA KILL YOU TOO AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK THAT I’LL DIE IN THE PROCESS BECAUSE FUCK YOU AND YOUR FACE” ::STAB STAB STAB::

It’s kind of a complicated relationship.

Then there was today. I’m hanging out with Viceroy Puddles out back. Puddles loves to be held, so he’s in my arms getting his morning dose of Vitamin S (scritchies).

Suddenly, ::OMINOUS BZZZZZZ:: Two bees.

“Hello. We represent the Divine Hive of the Latter Day Honey.”

“What is it with you bees and personal space anyway, could you two just kind of back off a little?”

“Have you found Beesus?”

“Beewha?”

“Beesus. Have you found Beesus and opened your heart to the glory of the Hive?”

“You lost Beesus? I think I saw him in the next county over.”

“We cannot lose Beesus because Beesus is forever in our hearts, and you too may find Beesus. I see that you have brought an offering for the Divine Hive and Beesus. This is a fine start.”

“Offering? What? Whatchootalkingabout, Beelis?”

::both bees proceed to examine Puddles minutely::

“That’s not an offering! That’s my cat. Stop freaking out my cat. Come on.”

“Once an offering is made, it cannot be taken back. That is not the way of the Divine Hive of the Latter Day Honey. Fear not, Beesus will look upon you with kindness for this fine and well-considered offering.”

“Uh…look, guys, I think I see Beesus over there!” ::runs inside with now-confused cat::

Dammit. Yep. Spring’s here.

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